I feel gross today
October 31, 2007
Would you believe… is it even possible… that I feel like I was in better shape 50 pounds ago than I am right now?
I am noticing the difference between, say, moving my legs and moving my body. I move parts of my body a lot these days, and it does the job, I burn calories, and the weight comes off… but I’m not exercising my heart.
This morning, in a game of show-off between my brother and me, I realized I could only hang with moving for about three minutes before I was sucking air and had to quit.
I’ve lost 110lbs! Three minutes!!
I do worry sometimes that I may never be fit (or appear to be in shape, in the least, is generally my fear). I don’t feel at all smaller in some of the areas of my body. I see nothing but fat when I look at my arms. It feels disgusting. I hate my calves. I bought a knee-length skirt eight pounds ago, and I’ll probably never wear it. It makes me feel worse to think of the way I might look in it. I guess I like to torture myself.
This is the part of weight loss that I was never told about. In order to see that I had to change, I had to admit there was something wrong with me in the first place. There was a lot wrong with me, and I let it all continue for way too long and add too many pounds. Now I’m stretched, and flabby, and out of shape… and gross.
It doesn’t matter how far I’ve come, some days all I can see, all I can focus on are the ways, over time, I have ruined my body. I hate myself for that.
Posted in
November 1st, 2007 at 5:20 am
Man, how I relate to this post. A few years ago, I went low-carb and lost a good bit of weight. I was exercising like crazy but still when I looked in the mirror, all I could see was the same fat girl staring back at me. Now matter how much weight I lost, she was still there, damn her. Eventually, I went back to eating “regularly” (mcdonalds all the time) and got back up to where I am now. When I look at pictures of myself from low-carb days I think I look great. Why couldn’t I see it then?! You have to change the way you see yourself in your head before you’ll see the change in the mirror.
Stretched, flab. Two 9.5 lb kids REALLY help me relate to that feeling. My abs will never be the same. I try not to focus on it though because it would make it easy for me to say *f* it and give up if I focused on that one thing.
I would be willing to bet the farm that people around you see the tremendous changes you’ve gone through. It’s much harder for us to see it in ourselves.
I think as long as you’re moving, it’s a good thing. So you can’t do highly strenuous activity for a long time yet. Don’t beat yourself up about that. You’ve achieved a lot here and don’t take that away by having toxic thoughts about your perceived inability.
You’re doing great and you’re an inspiration to the rest of us out here also trying to shake off the pounds!!
November 1st, 2007 at 11:32 am
You’re very nice.
I feel huge, enormous a lot of the time–most of the time, really. Like, if I could, I would make it known to everyone that I used to be MUCH bigger just so they can all know that, no, I am not happy being obese.
When I see pictures of myself, I do think I look different, but because I still look BIG, just less big, it doesn’t really help. I have flashes of acceptance of my body, but when I can see plain as day in a photo that I’m still rolly and gross, even in my clothes, I want to just die. I never realized before I began all this that even if I was succeeding, I was guaranteed to feel better or happy.
November 8th, 2007 at 3:50 pm
Well, I hear what you’re saying and completely understand where you’re coming from. Losing weight is so hard, not just physically but mentally, too. It’s one of the toughest things I personally have ever faced. You’re doing great though! I hope it helps just a little that some strange chick is out here rooting for you because that’s what I’m doing. You can’t see it, but I’m cheering you on. It’s a slow, painful process but you’re doing it!