Just thinking

September 12, 2007

These are just thoughts swirling around in my head right now.

• I had a bad eating day on Monday, but not enough to make me gain. But today I weigh four pounds more than I did Monday morning.
• My body and hormones are really messed up, and I know it will/does affect my weight, but seeing a four pound jump in two days still sucks and screws with my head (read: makes me want to eat.)
• I watched the Biggest Loser last night (because I skipped class–see messed up hormones note) and I weigh less than any of the contestants did when they began. WHAT. Such a change of pace from seeing girls on weight-loss shows (who are, granted, like 5′2″) at 185 and “fat.”
• I am meeting a friend for lunch today and will probably eat poorly. I am embarrassed to call attention to my dieting. Why?
• I feel anxious.
• I feel trapped (in life, in my skin, at this weight, in this house… I could list 25 ways).
• I’ve noticed that, when I eat well, I transfer my addiction to another vice. I spend, I shop, I become negative, sometimes, when I feel well, I exercise obsessively until I can see I burned 600 calories in one sitting. (The last one hasn’t happened in a while given my back pain.)
• I want to not feel like a fat cow every second of every day (or at least in public.)

Anyway, I had a good breakfast. My car needs to be washed and I’d kind of rather drive it through the big scrubbies at the gas station, or pay someone to do it. Boo.

Also entertaining the idea this morning of posting my food journal daily in the spirit of keeping myself motivated, honest, and on track. Still thinking…

Posted in Just Life