Starting over. (I think I’ve titled another post that before?)
August 16, 2007
Today is day 425 of the diet, but I feel the need to treat it like day one.
I am watching Bee Season off of my cable box in my bedroom, occupying my time (and my mind, and therefore my mouth) as to avoid sitting around, eating, moping, I don’t know…
I sometimes feel hopeless.
I jokingly complained to my boyfriend over the weekend, over a dinner out containing fried tortillas, potatoes, chicken, that I am deeply offended that he doesn’t read my website.
My website about weight loss.
I feel incapable of controlling myself some days, but overall, I’ve realized, incapable of caring. I think I got to 100 pounds lost, felt so empowered, proud, like I was so in control and awesome that I set myself up for failure. I saw my reflection in the glass doors heading into Old Navy this weekend, walking next to my mother, whom I have worn a larger size than since I was in the 6th grade, and decided I didn’t really look that big anymore.
I am a solid XL, a slightly-tight 16 in jeans. I can now walk into most any store and buy anything I want off of the “regular” rack–albeit in the largest size they carry. I haven’t been able to do that since my last year in elementary school. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.
I’ve realized that I got to this place, felt accomplished in comparison to the way my life has been for so many years–nearly all of the years of my life I remember in detail–and felt okay about it. I’ve felt not that big, but not at all little, for months now, and was content to accept that I made it to the Misses department, and give up.
I don’t want to be skinny, really, but I don’t want to be an extra anything. I’m not only still pretty large, I’m extra large. When I think about it, that sucks.
I used to wear a 3x, squeeze into a size 24 pants: the largest size any normal store carries in its plus-sized department.
I never tell anyone this–not my mother, not my closest friends–but when I began this diet I was well over 300 pounds. I know no one knew I was that large. I didn’t know I was that large. On June 17th, 2006, 321.4 was my highest weight of all time. I began to change my life that day.
Today I weigh in the neighborhood of 225 pounds. I am 5′8″.
When I was 15 (I’ve told this story before) I was weighed in P.E. class, in front of my classmates, and was a whopping, depressing, suicidal-inducing, 223 pounds.
I crave being under that number again. I think being under 223 pounds is more important to me than being under 221 pounds, the number which marks my 100-pound weight loss… and maybe for non-obvious reasons if you’ve never been overweight or lived that kind of embarrassment. As much as being fat sucks, being fat and young, I think, sucks even more.
I’ve taken my progress, my capabilities for granted. I’m so ashamed of how weak I can be. This next 60 pounds seems insurmountable to me, impossible to conquer and lose. I don’t know why I can’t get my head to a place that accepts that 96 pounds are forever gone from me, I can do 60 more.
Something to think about.
Posted in Just Life, Personal Progress
August 17th, 2007 at 4:35 am
I understand how it goes: reaching a huge goal and then becoming deflated and stuck in a rut and not progressing to finish. I guess as long as you don’t start moving backwards then you are fine. I try to think of this process as ebb and flow, sometimes I feel super motivated and other times I am at a standstill. It also can’t hurt to shake things up occassionally, do something entirely different in your exercise or find a new hobby to concentrate and get excited on.
Your pictures are amazing, you look so much younger and you are absolutely gorgeous!
August 17th, 2007 at 7:14 am
i just stumbled across your site, and have started my own site to find a way to shed this unwanted weight… i think you look fantastic! you have accomplished so much, so much in fact, that you are way more than half way there. you are inspirational to me!
August 17th, 2007 at 7:35 am
Thank you both.
No one I know can imagine the way it feels to have this consume every day of your life, so thank you for relating to me. That’s sort of why I do this site, I guess? I know I’m not alone, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear it.
August 20th, 2007 at 4:50 pm
Wow, I love reading you. Amazing. I feel everything you are talking about, and I wish you ALL THE BEST! You’ve come a long way, and as insurmountable as it may seem, you will get to goal. You’re amazing.
August 22nd, 2007 at 10:22 am
Thank you!!
August 25th, 2007 at 5:25 am
You were beautiful then and beautiful now! I just found your site this morning and have found it to be very inspirational. You’re amazing! Keep going!
September 7th, 2007 at 5:39 am
its been nearly a month since you typed this post, but i’m commenting anyway…bc it spoke to me. i am losing well over 100 lbs myself and am currently 22 lbs in. i strive to reach a size 12, but for years i was a 16…sometimes loose. sometimes tight. but never any smaller than a 16. right now, at a size 20 (biggest was a 22), 16 is one of the milestones i am actively pursuing……i just pray that when i get there, i dont get stuck…and content. i want to keep going further.
there is comfort in knowing that there are others out there, further along in the journey who’ve gotten over their “comfort” humps. i look forward to watching you overcome yours…and allowing it to inspire me.
September 22nd, 2007 at 9:17 am
I happened across your website via the LJ of my friend Ashley. It’s been some time since you’ve posted this and you may or may not see my comment.. it is my hope that you do.
You are truly amazing. Your blog is brutally honest, you pull no punches, and it’s awesome to see that. You are truly inspirational, and I think I have a lot of catching up to do on your blog. By the way: the before and after pictures…you were beautiful then and you’re beautiful now. You should be incredibly proud of yourself for accomplishing what you have. Everyone has their bad days, but you can’t let that overshadow the fact that you have done something amazing, and not for the wrong reasons. Rock On!
September 22nd, 2007 at 5:25 pm
Sara, I see it! It emails me to tell me. (Usually. I actually never got one for the comments above yours…) I thank you for introducing yourself and for your kindness. I feel like sharing my struggle keeps me motivated and accountable.
LadyT–you will get there, before you know it. I don’t think I have EVER been a 12. I’m excited to get there someday. My next goal is being under 200. I’m not content being a 16 anymore!
wimsigal–Thank you! I am!