Little [Fat] Girl

June 25, 2007

If I were to make a list of all of the things that bother me about myself, it would be endless. But overall, since I was young, specifically age seven, I knew there were two things I wanted to change about myself:

I wanted to be thin.

And I wanted a straight, beautiful smile.

I’m not thin, and no longer strive to be labeled that way, but I’m well over the halfway mark in my weight loss, and no longer feel fat in the disgusting, unhealthy, self-hating way I did before. The most I criticize myself for these days is the way I can never stay a size for very long–or long enough to feel that I look put-together in the clothes I purchased the month before.

Tomorrow I am getting braces on my teeth that I will wear for up to 30 months. I realize it is something about my appearance that I may grow to hate, but I hope it is in the way I hate how I can never find a thing to wear while simultaneously loving that none of my clothes correctly fit my body. There’s a huge trade-off.

This is a process that I’ve thought about for many, many months and that required lots of planning and decision-making. My eating will surely change but my hope is that, since it is so close to my biggest goal yet, it will keep me from eating canned soup and ice cream if I am sore for the next few days.

Besides that, the biggest concern at the front of my mind is whether or not I will get colored brackets. I’ve stressed clear from the beginning, but have been influenced only a teeny tiny bit these last few weeks to consider red or pink or some other girly color.

Will I be that brave?

Stay tuned.

It’s like all of my dreams are coming true.

Posted in Just Life